: EVERY MOMENT IS LOVELY, YES :

{ I cannot make my own because the goddamn store does not sell fucking tahini }

This little fat fucking kid and his stupid fucking friend are not looking where they are running in the crosswalk so I let the fat one slam into my shoulder and maybe I dipped a little into him and he crashes to the asphalt and his backpack splits open and all his books and papers spill onto the street and I feel like my good deed is done for the day, hard lesson learned for the young one, because look I am carrying plastic bags filled with groceries like hummus and stupid expensive cheeses and imported beer and shit like that and he almost cracked my organic omega-3 free-range eggs so fuck (!) him (!) he has to learn sometime, and at the door to my building a pizza guy is buzzing someone who is not answering and this fat bitch is standing on the other side of the door while this guy is carrying a stack of pizzas that towers over his head and my hands are full with bell peppers and grape tomatoes and hummus (!) fucking hummus (!) and she watches the whole fucking time while Mr. Bicycle Helmet buzzes and I fumble for my keys and she is just watching like it is impossible for her to open the fucking door because we might be goddamn terrorists and this lock is a bitch to open and I jiggle and jerk it with my key and coax it like a clit until it clicks open and I hold the door for the pizza guy and he nods in thanks and this asshole woman asks him where he is going and he says the apartment number and she says that is my apartment (!) what a cunt (!) and she says he can lug the pizzas up with her (!) instead of just taking them from him and I press the button for the elevator even though my hands are full of bags and I go check my mail which is right fucking next to the elevator and I come back and the door is sliding shut and this bitch does not move a fat finger to catch it so the pizza guy drops his pizza bag and reaches past her to catch the door for me and I mumble thank you with the mail in my teeth and stare at her fat face and hit the button for my floor and the pizza smells great and I say the pizza is making me hungry and the mail falls out of my mouth and this dude smiles even though I do not think he speaks much English and the elevator door opens and I kick my mail off and a couple envelopes fall into the shaft and who fucking cares they were probably bills because they are (!) all (!) bills and I walk out and think about how some hot girl I know and want to fuck even though she would be terrible for me is dating some new asshole and this other girl I was seeing and am tired of fucking will not return my texts and I do not know why and do not really care and I am a little sad and everything is just the way it is supposed to be and it always was is will be and hummus is delicious.


~O~

34 x like a billion = how much I love you:

FRANKENPENISBLESS said...

hi that is nice bless

~otto~ said...

hi frankenpenisbless I wrote that just for you unless anyone else comments on it then I wrote it for them

xTx said...

"coax it like a clit"
made my clit want to date you.

~otto~ said...

xtx, your clit has been dating me behind your back. It's long and can stretch.

~otto~ said...

oh and I wrote that for you

Kevin said...

I ate Domino's tonight: green pepper medium pie with cheezy bread. Sorry you had to eat that fee-fee shit.

~otto~ said...

Kevin, I don't want to be a dick, but you live in NYC ... sure, it's Bushwick, but whatever ... WHY WOULD YOU EVER ORDER DOMINO'S???

Kevin said...

You love Bushwick, stop hating. Believe it or not, Domino's has better and cheaper pizza than any other delivery joint around me. Sad but true. NYC needs greek pizza.

tia prouhet said...

If they sell tahini in a Houston fucking Kroger, you can find it in New York. Quit crying, lazy fucker.

gamefaced said...

oh oh oh so you mean you wrote that for me. i knew it. i love tripping little kids.

ana c. said...

this made me jajaja and it also made me hungry and horny but hungry equals horny right? okay gracias pero sí.

~otto~ said...

Tia, it does exist in NYC. Go find some for me now. I SAID NOW!

~otto~ said...

gamefaced, everything I write is in our secret code. Kids. Pah! Fall fuckers.

~otto~ said...

ana c., food = unicorn sweat

~otto~ said...

Kevin, I believe you. This time. Please just say pizza in the future so I do not flip out, okay?

tia prouhet said...

I am holding a jar of tahini. I am rocking it, a little. I am holding it between my breasts. My hands are not involved. Well, occupied, but not in the whole tahini-flaunting-endeavor. Mmmmm, sesame butter, oh, so good with garbonzo beans, gaaah.

~otto~ said...

Tease

TC said...

Speaking of tease, Otto, this is my sixth try to get into your comments box, which has been locked up tighter than a ... dare I say it?

(Probably the traffic jam is caused by the thousands of people trying to get in to have the experience of being virtually slathered and lathered with all sorts of sweet and/or sour and sticky/gooey substances by all your wonderfully juicy and wise admirers.)

But having said that, all I can say to add to it is that everything is the way it is supposed to be and it always was and will be... until it's not.


("aestro", yet.)

~otto~ said...

Tom, thank you for your persistence. I think a comment box flogging is the way is supposed to be until it's not. It will b dealt with harshly -- and probably still won't work.

swine said...

tahini? PABST BLUE RIBBON, FUCKER! (Tourette's you understand)

~otto~ said...

Pabst is like drinking fire extinguisher foam. How about a Shiner Bock? Let's deal.

gamefaced said...

boys boys..find yourselves a six pack of this best beer ever...

http://thefullpint.com/beer-reviews/caldera-ipa

~otto~ said...

Fuck it all. Let's drink Old Engine Oil.

gamefaced said...

need more ibus. hops please.

how bout some 'crotch sniffing bastard' ?

http://www.laughingdogbrewing.com/ldb/brews/csb-esb

~otto~ said...

Okay, on name alone that sounds great. But what about Moose Drool?

gamefaced said...

haha. that shot of the over spill is pure malt pornography.

TC said...

Let's get past the intangibles and crunch some numbers here.

~otto~ said...

Always the educator :) This is very helpful, especially since it is Friday, and I heard there is beer in New York City tonight. Slainte!

~otto~ said...

gamefaced, please send more malt porn.

~otto~ said...

where's that malt porn? must have malt porn

TC said...

There's so much of it out there, if you turn around too fast you might drown in it.

The Steve Malt porn and Malt whiskey by the dram porn -- no, no.

So how about this politically incorrect 40?


("wedilyc"-ious!)

~otto~ said...

YES!!!!!

I'm a big fan of Private Stock, mostly because of the rebus puzzles.

Kevin said...

I let my tape rock til my tape popped
Smokin weed and bamboo, sippin on private stock

~otto~ said...

KEVIN!!!!! HELL YES. So glad you know that. Word, son.

{ SIGN UP FOR E-MAIL NOTIFICATION }

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

{ THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT }

Labels