phone call from medellín

You don't understand

You don't understand

I have no words

I think I'm going to die

I don't care

I don't care

It was the craziest night of my life

I'm shaking

You have no idea

I'm calling you because I need redemption

And you know if I say it was the craziest night of my life then


I have no words

My nana won't even speak to me

I met this guy named Carlos from Rhode Island

I have no idea what he's doing down here

We go to a strip club

I hook up with these two women

The most beautiful women you've ever seen in your life

I can't even tell you

We go to this place that has hot tubs

One of them looked like Shakira

The other looked like a Nubian princess

I'm in the hot tub with both of them

A gram down here is seven bucks

Seven bucks!

And it's the best shit you've ever had in your life


One is nineteen, the other is twenty

Do you understand?

I was like

Dude, I'm shaking

I'm telling you



The most beautiful women you've ever seen in your life

There are gunshots down here

Do you understand?

You have to understand these women were fighting over five dollars

I was like just take it

It's Christmas

I haven't even tipped my doorman yet

My pupils are shooting out of my head

My pupils are shooting into the solar system



Do you know what it's like to get blown to the sound of gunshots?


Do you know?


I don't even know where to begin

Before that I went to dinner with this stewardess

She doesn't speak English

[ He doesn't speak Spanish ]

She's beautiful

She wants me to meet her family

Do you understand a gram is seven bucks?

My nana thought I got kidnapped

She won't even look at me

You can get one for each nostril for less than fifteen bucks

I was tossing it in the air

I was throwing it all over these women

You know how when you are in your apartment alone and you realize the best times of your life are over and all you have to look forward to is a beer gut from hell when you're 40?

You know?

It's not like that down here

It's like fucking "Cocoon" down here

You get reborn

I'm telling you

I was with "She Wolf"

The other one is calling me, telling me she loves me and wants me to take her back to America

I have no words

So what's going on there?

I'm going to go because this phone call is costing me seventeen dollars


23 x like a billion = how much I love you:

xTx said...

that blocked call was so much better than my blocked call


~otto~ said...

two blocked calls in one day, awesome

TC said...

A fantastic Economics lesson, beyond what could be got at any school.

The cartel trickle-down santa claus-is-a-real-situation theory?

So tell us, were you scribbling this down very fast or were there long reflective spaces between the statements? (Method question: forgive.)

"I can't even tell you"

"Do you understand?"

Q. Where did the chicken in the kitchen leave her egg?


rollerfink said...

oh dude i can totally relate to this one.


i'm feeding my baby while i read this. i'm telling you. i'm eating cereal for dinner. mincepa! mincepa!

my nana is dead.

(great story)

~otto~ said...


I was scribbling very fast. A gram for each nostril tends to speed up phone calls ;-) I realize now that maybe the spaces between the lines don't do a good job of conveying the rapid-fire way in which the caller was delivering his monologue. Maybe a big block of text would have been better?


~otto~ said...


Thanks. And I'm sorry your nana is dead, but I am very happy about your mincepa. That's pretty awesome.


TC said...

Maybe a big block of text would have been better?

No, the interpolated spaces as you have them help deliver the weird staccato rhythms of mental disconnectedness, synapses firing at warp speed interrupted by aphasic lacunae the size of the Grand Canyon.


gamefaced said...

i be cashing in my beer gut rain check in approx. nine yrs. the
phone is ringing - ohmygawd


~otto~ said...

yeah, it's amazing how fast those nine years will go by ... and yet at the same time the agony it causes thinking about it will be slow slow slow


Mariana Soffer said...

Cool, you write so good man, I dig your style.
Was this inspired on reality? it sounds to me at least.
I spent a fair amount of time in colombia, and I felt I knew what you where talking. I know it can be like that, then it all depends on how you react to it.

Take care man

~otto~ said...

It's a true lie :)

Mariana Soffer said...

Loved your reply, I guess it is not going to be that easy for me to fool you.

Take care man

~otto~ said...

Oh, I am a fool. The fool of fools forever.

Hope you are well.

pogopop said...

They weren't gunshots. If you knew more about Medellin you'd know it's just pólvora or fireworks. Little kids and teenagers light them off during the holidays. Way to spread the image of extranjeros doing nothing here but consuming cocaine and fucking poor barrio girls. Good job! Colombians are embarrassed by the stories like the one you tell.

~otto~ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~otto~ said...

CORRECTION: Little kids and children play with dangerous explosives at 4 am outside of brothels during Christmas in Colombia.

pogopop said...

yeah, it is a problem in the city and there is a big public campaign against polvoro because it blows off fingers and people get injured all the time.

rollerfink said...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH NOT HAVING FINGERS!?!? way to spread the image of people with no fingers as being something you need to campaign against. i can do everything you can do. type with my elbows, beat off with my toes, and scoop food up with my tongue. people with no fingers are embarrassed by your ignorant comments. i'm giving you the finger with my penis right now.

TC said...

It's not the discomfort so much as the social stigma, plus the fact that so few people seem to really understand...

pogopop said...

That's great that fingerless American fatties help out the sex racket in Medellin. If not for them, how would all the cokehead visitors try the local flavor and get laid? Besides those dumb desperate barrio are a great bang, it's perfect for a postcard home, a blog, or...oh hey you've got that already, wonderful.

~otto~ said...

Rollerfink, you made milk shoot out my nose. For that, I thank you.

TC, always the educator. I thank you as well.

pogopop, what can I say? This is not the New York Times travel section, it is just writing. Repulsion is encouraged here. And this is not a commentary on the country or the people. If this is a commentary at all, it is a commentary about the person speaking, the narrator. But let's not act like cocaine and hookers and guns do not exist there. They do. They exist here, too. That shit is everywhere, and nobody can make it not true by denying its existence. Have a nice day.

pogopop said...

very well said. Props! As far as the sparse, post-modern narrative goes, you've got a cool style.

~otto~ said...

Thank you, sir

Yo <3 Arepa


Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner