c'mon please seriously

My knuckle is swelling like the neck veins of a radio talk show host. I almost broke my fucking thumb hooking a sock off my heel, but that is not worse than having to shake my piss-dripping dick like a baby who just refuses to shut the fuck up. (Don't make that face, motherfucker.)

When did this shit start? Oh, right. It started when I noticed the circles of piss on my pants every time I left the bathroom. I shake longer than I piss now. And it started when my bones became brittle like dried out driftwood. Do I even need this thumb? I cannot pick my nose with it. And it is barely useful on this shitty iPhone keyboard.

One guy: hey, I have a serious question about being a vegan

Another guy (who hates catching shit for being a vegan): ok fine

One guy: so if a chick is vegan and she gives you a blow job, can she swallow? I'm thinking no

And that other fucking guy got reelected. Can you fucking believe it? (No, I did not vote. So what.) Is Grumpy Old Man a disease that affects the middle-aged now? Yes. And anger is better fuel than anything you can pay for at the pump. Oh, wow. There it is. The answer to the world's problems: rage as an alternative energy.

What, you thought it would be flowers or love or some shit like that? Puhleez. There's not much of that on the highways or in mall parking lots. You have to think about these things, dummy. Cars that run on hatred would never need to be refueled.

Free advice: Never eat two hot dogs covered in macaroni and cheese AND a basket of fries for lunch, even if you are not a vegan with two working thumbs and pants that are not stained with widening circles of urine. Trust.


4 x like a billion = how much I love you:

Chick said...

The vegan question had me seriously laughing out loud. I think you're right with the answer too (duh, vegans do not eat meat, right?...is the whole bj a moot point for them?).

& anger...totally fuels so many of my action (some for good...some for not so good).

wordsforguns said...

This made me smile. Haven't smiled much today, but then you came along.

TC said...


Down in the real again...

Trust, mmm.

Trust it will not add unduly to your sense of encroaching decrepitude to learn a plot, er a spot has belatedly been reserved for you on the very selective link list @TC/BTP.

Sorry it took this long.

(Some of those already so interred have clean pants at least.)

~otto~ said...

Thanks everyone. And, Tom, that's quite an honor. I will do my best not to get anyone else wet.


Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner