{ sentences for someone who will not see them }

A glass of water is still too complicated to drink. More difficult than walking over a wet sidewalk grate. My feet slide across it and I think of tongues licking teeth, the teeth of a father with daughters only, a dad who drunk-dials me during the day and says, "What could be more honest than that?" See, she fell and he laughed, and he says, "The only reason I ever love someone is because it feels so fucking great." Actually, I said it, and he says, "What could be more selfish than that?" And I want to defile him with a hug.

He says, "Never have them, man, not even boys, and never ever get married," and the thought makes me thirsty but I cannot solve simple liquid so I talk until my tongue tastes like quarters and my lips stick on a word I never allow myself to utter. He says, "I love them, don't get me wrong. But, dude, do not do it because you will be trapped inside a dirty-water soap bubble that never pops," and I say, "No worries, bro. I do not need that crutch in my life," and I swear I can hear him nod over the phone at that untruth and he says, "Love is just not killing the person you lie with and to, and for that alone give a gesundheit."

I sneeze and my feet move over cement, dodge piles of dog shit, crush empty cans and I make monster sounds. There is one woman I should love, but I do not. I never speak to or of her, except to gain someone's sympathy. I tell myself this is how we set each other free, and that must be some kind of love, and I only feel guilty about not feeling guilty. She and I are a bit sad and well alive, which is better than dying happy, and I forget my friend is on the phone until he laughs like a guitar riff because I said all that aloud and I thought I was just thinking it.

I hang up and a blast of water splashes my face. A kid in a window is spraying me with a powerful squirt gun and yells, "Sorry, mister!" but he does not stop. I am soaked and yell thanks and tell the kid that if he knew me at all he would be using bullets. The water feels good, chills my face and chest and back. I open my mouth wide and he fills it with water and still I cannot figure out how to drink any of it.


~O~