glug glug glug

Dude, what the fuck is this in the fridge? It looks like a goddamn science experiment.

Don't fuck with that, man. Trust me. You don't want to be anywhere near that glass.

Then why is it next to the goddamn milk?

Sorry, I'd been keeping it in the vegetable crisper.

You wanna tell me what it is?

You really don't want to know.

Well, if it's in our fridge and dangerous then I think I ought to know for my own safety.

Remember Kelly?

That girl you fucked at the club last week? The one with the corny dolphin tattoo on her titty?

No, that was Shannon.

Oh, the one you brought back here and we played Show & Tell?

Yeah, her. And by the way, when she was on top of me you almost blew up my spot. I left the door cracked just enough but you got greedy and when you pushed it open more she saw the light move on the wall. I had to grab her by the hair and start pounding it to keep her from turning around.

Yeah, that was the best part.

Fuck you. Made me come too fast.

Hahahaha, yeah, but you fucking glued her asshole shut. Shit looked like Elmer's. That was great.

Well, whatever. Next time that hall light has to stay off.

So what about ol' girl?

Well, I told her she couldn't get me off by sucking my dick, that no girl ever had. And she was like, I know I can. So I let her try till her neck cramped up. She took that like a personal challenge, and starts telling me how she wants to swallow every drop. I live for that shit but I still couldn't get off.

What the hell is wrong with you?

I dunno, man, maybe I jerk off too much. Like her mouth just doesn't know the moves. I told her that and she said, Well why don't you just save it for me and I'll drink it the next time I come over? And I was like WHAT? Hell yes! Deal. So that's what's in that glass.

You have got to be shitting me. Please tell me you are joking, you sick fuck. Why are we roommates? If I had known you were a psycho masturbater who keeps his jizz in the fridge—

Whatever man, at least I never had a girl shit the sheets after anal.

After? It was during.

Man, you tried to wash those goddamn sheets! You shoulda burned that shit!

Please get your DNA Petri dish out of the fridge immediately.

No way, man. She's coming over tonight and that glass has several thick swallows in it. I worked hard making that.

Dude, that shit is crusting up and yellow around the sides. It has a film over the top like old timey pudding.

Yeah, pretty amazing.

You sick fuck, you cannot make her drink that.

I ain't making her do shit. I'm doing her a favor. It's all she's been talking about all week. She's dying to do it, and fuck you if you can't appreciate how magnificent this is.

How many times did you blast into this glass?

That's like a dozen right there.

Goddamn, man. Are you jerking off like twice a day?

No, dude. Like three times, at least, but I can't go to the fridge every time. Once in the morning, once when I get home, and once before bed. Keeps me sane.

Keeps you what? Say that again, please. That's the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life.


3 x like a billion = how much I love you:

ty bluesmith said...

you are crazy. period.

CBM said...


ex tee ex said...

do you need another roomate?


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